From Oktoberfest to Mocktoberfest

Codified in 19th century Bavaria as an official 17-day beer-fueled celebration, Oktoberfest has been imported and contorted by innumerable celebrants as an excuse to do go on bender. Most forgo the traditional sausage, pretzels and steckerlfisch (grilled fish on a stick) and concentrate on the beer. This is wise, if you’ve even seen steckerlfisch. More to the point, when armed with a rhyming dictionary and a couple pint, a guy could fill up his calendar with -oberfests. Here are a few to consider... The various varieties of Rocktoberfest might have been one of the first mutant forms of Octoberfest to emerge. In the afterbirth of Woodstock, thousands of music festival have sought cultural relevance and some have attached themselves to existing phenomena for better or worse (OzFest comes to mind). To wit, Rocktoberfests spring up this time of year promising Sex, Chugs and Rock-n-Roll. Of course, Bachtoberfest, is its baroque doppelganger, which invariably leads to confusion over which venue Sebastian Bach is playing.

Shocktoberfest has long been useful to cable television channels when promoting their slate of annual Halloween-themed fare. Somehow, their viewership always trumps that of Doctoberfest, which is a documentary film festival that sounds more like an excuse for medical professionals to get drunk. And pity the poor Mocktoberfest, that every year tries to get a cast member from Spinal Tap to show up and talk about mockumentary as a cinema’s least appreciated genre, while the chick from Blair Witch Project shows up to answer the inevitable “What ever happen to...?” questions.

Next year, Democrats might consider revving up the party prior to the presidential election with Baracktoberfest. For that matter, Vulcans should mount Spocktoberfest with the fringe festival, Groktoberfest, staged by Klingons in protest.

Jocktoberfest begins with Monday Night Football and ends with career-ending a knee injury. Don't worry, a little pancake makeup and a size 52 blazer and you can become a sports pundit.

Glocktoberfest combines the Glock and semi-automatic pistol and a shooting spree. Why some aspiring Tarantino hasn't nabbed this for a movie title suggests either good taste is prevailing or Glock's lawyers preemptively shot it down.

Locktoberfest is that happy time of year when locksmiths and cat burglars pause their arms race and come together to hoist a few brews together. Women wear tight T-shirts that read "Pick Me" and men offer "safe sex" with a variety of possible "combinations."

Get your knuckles ready for Knocktoberfest, the annual door-to-door salesmen and religious proselytizer convention that features a "rapping" contest and recitations of their constitution, "We the peephole..." And yes, I just made that up.

Chalktoberfest is when chalkboards declare open season on whiteboards and Powepoint presentations, then trace their respective corpses in (what else?) chalk. Socktoberfest culiminates in the ritual sacrifice of a sock monkey.  Talktoberfest recently adopted “Blah Blah Blah” as its official motto and Schlocktoberfest was canceled due to its lack of quality.

There are dozens more, including one that is a celebration of the male anatomy that is unfit to print in a family newspaper (Google it at home). To avoid getting in trouble, I’m going to begin Blocktoberfest, when writers cease writing.