Witch glitch

Threesome?Your intrepid reporter submits the following dispatch from Nomaville, but makes no claim for its accuracy, veracity or agenda. – DH

The three witches of Shakespeare’s MacBeth have gotten back together and are currently on tour. The wicked sisters, known for their prophecy that the Scottish play’s titular character would get his comeuppance, have reunited and are appearing in clubs across the highlands as well as a planned foray to the West Coast and a fundraiser in Sonoma. It’s been noted that the sisters aren’t officially booked in the clubs in which they have appeared, but rather are simply APPEARING at will. This, observers suggest, is due to the fact that they are WITCHES. Club owners are upset about the guerilla tour but local authorities can do little against the sisters’ evil ways. However, their goth rendition of Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” is a smash with audiences as are their dinner theater interpretations of Chekhov’s “Three Sisters,” served with eye of newt and wing of bat.

• • •
The World Calendar Congress, the legislative body that annually sets the days of the week, convened at a local hotel last week and announced that they hope to elongate the weekend by adding an additional day between Saturday and Sunday. The new day, currently dubbed Madidusday from the Latin word madidus, meaning “drunk,” is intended to aid weekend revelers in recovering from their partying. Also, because “Sundays suck.” So far, the only protest has come from people who have invested in perpetual calendars and people who work on weekends…
• • •

Physicists at the nearby Brink-Horst Institute have discovered girls. A group of seven male researchers noticed that whenever members of the opposite sex passed by their laboratory, work ceased and many broke out in cold sweats and uncontrollable blushing, while others were unable to put a sentence together more complicated than “me like.” After studying the phenomenon for six months, the researchers were able to deduce that women were not only causing the distraction, but that the physicists liked being distracted. Dr. Jason Marr nominated himself a human guinea pig and attempted to engage a woman in conversation from an adjoining lab. His experiment, he said, led to a light lunch of spring rolls and vegetarian chow mein, followed by a stroll through a park with Dr. Veronica Lanning. A later experiment was more expeditious and included Dr. Lanning’s bedroom and breakfast at Hathaway’s on 15th Avenue. Dr. Marr claimed his findings were inconclusive and he hopes to conduct more experiments with Dr. Lanning, who, he says, “Definitely expanded my universe.”
• • •
X , the 24th letter of the English alphabet is being moved to the 26th spot currently occupied by Z, according to The Sonoma Alphabetic Institute. The move comes after decades of petitioning by the Organization for Making X Last. A rival group, the Society for Z Being 24, itself was petitioning to have “Z mark the spot.” A riot nearly broke out on the steps of the Sonoma Alphabetic Institute until it was pointed out that the rival groups were fighting for the same thing. The letters’ positions were reversed. That is until everyone else in the English-speaking world decided it was stupid and put them back.
• • •

A local geologist might have inadvertently put an end to the turn of phrase “older than dirt.” It turns out that dirt isn’t actually that old. It’s about 30, says Glen Ellen geologist Thorne Jameson. “The geologic compound known as ‘earth’ is certainly older than dirt but by strictest definitions not dirt,” opined Thorne. “One doesn’t track earth into the house, for example.” Since the revelation that dirt is only 30, much has been said about how badly it has aged. Jameson attributes this to global warming and late nights drinking and smoking. From now on, Thorne suggests saying something is “older than earth” when in need of an age-themed hyperbole

All the news that fits

Fear of razor burn.Occasionally, news stories slip through the cracks in our editorial edifice. Fortunately, nothing gets by your intrepid Nomaville-based reporter.

Zoologists have announced that a creature captured in the Pacific Northwest of North America is not the fabled Sasquatch as first thought, but rather Ian Billings, a rock guitarist thought to have perished following complications from a camping trip. Billings apparently had not bathed, shaved or had a haircut since his debut album with Switchback 5 in 1994, which enjoyed mild success on college radio. Researchers bagged Billings when he sauntered into a trap comprised of a rabbit carcass and back issues of “Field and Stream,” a publication thought to be Bigfoot’s favorite since he frequently writes letters to the editor. Billings is pleased to be back in the spotlight and is entertaining the notion of reforming Switchback 5. “This time,” says Billings. “I’m driving the van.”

•••

Jiminy Cricket, best known as Pinocchio’s sage grasshopper pal, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The bug rose to international prominence with the publication of his tell-all “His Nose, My Lies” which launched his self-help empire. However, his satirical book “Bad Advice for Worse Times” nearly tanked his career with such unfortunate chestnuts as “The message in the bottle is ‘drink’” and “Yes, I think that skirt makes you look fat.” Now, Cricket is broke and hoping to salvage his business with another tell-all “The Blue Fairy Made Me a Real Little Man.” If Cricket can’t turn a buck out of his new book, he plans to get religion and join a swarm of locusts to wreak havoc as a plague.

•••

A teenager claiming to be the Anti-Christ sent to Earth to hasten the Apocalypse was released by authorities today following his arrest and incarceration for disturbing the peace and supplying false identity. The latter charge was dropped when his lawyer, Beelzebub, was able to substantiate the boy’s claims, though the young troublemaker still faces charges of disturbing the peace for throwing water balloons at girls wearing white t-shirts. As his attorney explained, “Clearly, the Anti-Christ has a lot of growing up to do. He wasn’t even supposed to be here until 2012, but he sneaked out of the Gates of Hell to hang out with his friends. When he’s of age he’ll do some real havoc.” Jurors were sympathetic to the Anti-Christ’s boyhood shenanigans and waived the $666 fine he faced by permitting him to do community service at a local home for lost souls.

•••

Several thousand pennies left the U.S. Mint with a typo this week. The coinage, which usually features the four-word epitaph “In God we trust,” was released to the masses reading “In Zod we trust.” The misspelling has raised debate regarding the separation of church and state as well as concerns about the whereabouts of General Zod, the leader of a threesome of evildoers vanquished to the Phantom Zone in “Superman: The Movie.” Zod later returned in Superman II and took over the United States with his hot evil girlfriend and man-child sidekick, Non. Authorities will not comment whether the misprinted pennies are the work of the evildoer, though some believe it could betoken his return to the current Superman movie franchise as a promotional device. 20th Century Fox was recently reprimanded after it hired the Franklin Mint, a private manufacturer of collectible coins, to place an image of Marvel crime-fighter the Silver Surfer on the backs of 40,000 California statehood quarters. Of course, it would take 25 Zod pennies to contend with one Silver Surfer quarter, but neither coin can compare to the Daedalus Howell Commemorative Tin Bouillon Bar. This begs the question, am I a superhero or supervillain? (Diabolical laughter.

Entitled

Just a dab will do ya.And so Saturday night, following the GunBun screening of “National Lampoon’s Vacation,” I found myself at the Fig, worked up into such a lather that I insisted on having three-time Sunnys Award-winning bartender Mark O’Donnell spike my pintos of Anchor Steam with a splash of Worcestershire sauce (as a means of “keeping the tourists on edge should they cop my signature drink,” I explained to no one in particular). I awoke the next afternoon with two observations ringing through my aching head. Continue reading “Entitled”