Commencement Speech 2012

Since no institution of higher or, for that matter, lower learning has asked me to give a commencement speech this year, I’ll share with you the speech I would’ve given to the graduating class of 2012 had I been invited.

It goes like this:

You’re doomed. (Wait for laughter to subside into tears.) But it’s not your fault. Or, at least, that’s what you’ll learn to tell yourselves. You were born into a world of unprecedented change and opportunity, you know, just like every generation before you (excepting those born in the 1340s who could only look forward to the plague). However, you’ve been deprived of the ability to live up to the clichés of optimism and progress because the years leading up to your prospective graduation were saturated with the notion that the world was going to end thanks to the ominously incomplete Mayan calendar, which runs out of dates this year.

The upshot to this is the fact that you probably took on more student loans than you should have, thinking the world would end before you had to pay them back. This also may account for the fact that you majored in a liberal arts discipline, which precludes you from ever earning enough to pay said loans back anyway. If the end were indeed nigh, well played, padawan. But as any archaeologist worth his bullwhip will tell you, Mesoamerican datebooks were notoriously shoddy. I mean why chisel into stone the entire calendar year for 2013 and beyond when a mere “Etc.” will do? Who knew the Mayan timekeepers were union guys? You didn’t and now you’re in debt – welcome to adulthood. Continue reading “Commencement Speech 2012”

Top 10 Dystopian 70s Movies

Predictably, much of the 1970s were spent processing the cultural hangover from the decade that preceded them. The social idealism of the ?60s, from the Civil Rights Movement to free love, were countered with cinematic explorations of dystopia wherein humans were disposable cogs and love was often the costliest proposition of all. Below are ten of my personal favorites from this peculiar subset of science fiction filmmaking. In no particular order, my?Top 10 Dystopian 70s Movies. Continue reading “Top 10 Dystopian 70s Movies”

Meditation for Commuters Podcast: Traffic

I am Clover, that is my vision?name. My totem animal is the skink. This is my podcast for mindful driving, “Meditation for Commuters.” Episode One: Traffic. Take a few minutes of bliss to teach yourself how meditate while driving. Note: Please KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

Facebook IPO vs. My IOU

Facebook IPO

Facebook goes public today with what’s expected to be the world’s largest initial public offering. While the social network has been hogging all the headlines, a smaller, just as interesting story (in my humble opinion), has been hovering under the radar – I too am going public, with an IPO of my own.

Buying stock in a person is nothing new. If memory serves, rock legend David Bowie was the first to commoditize himself with “Bowie Bonds” – asset-backed securities based on his future music industry successes. Mind you, Bowie launched his financial product back in a more optimistic 1997, before financial chicanery like “credit default swaps” ruined the economy.

In fact, Bowie’s bid predated even the dot.com boom and bust, when anyone with a top-level domain name could get venture capitalists to buy them a Porsche Carrera and matching Foosball machine. Continue reading “Facebook IPO vs. My IOU”

The Road vs. On The Road

Someone should tell the intern at AMC Theatres that the horror flick The Road?directed by Yam Laranas?and the forthcoming adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s On The Road are vastly different enterprises. Wait… Unless the adaptation includes Sal and Dean stumbling onto a cold case with “a history of abduction, crimes and murders.” Could be interesting…

The Road is Not On the Road
On the Road meets Cold Case.