Why Do Men Devolve When the Wife’s Away?

Hey, hey, we're the Kubricks.My wife was away on business last week, which provided me the opportunity to exercise an uncanny ability to transform any living space into a replica of my college dorm room. Dishes towered in the sink as precarious as a house of cards; laundry piles swallowed ottomans whole and balls of aluminum foil commemorated my nightly patronage of the taco truck like trophies to calories misspent. Under my watch, our quaint Springs bungalow transformed into a hovel akin to a demolition site and a crime scene, which by week?s end lacked only the ?caution tape.? It also lacked me for much of the week given the weeklong debauch my pal Flash and I embarked upon with the rationale that having worked nine to five, we should at least drink five to nine. Then there was the overtime.

Suffice it to say, Saturday morning, mere hours before I was to retrieve the wife from the airport, I had rebuild not only my home but my life. Or at least render a reasonable facsimile of who I appear to be most days, before I became my own self-parody and dented my account at the Fig draining pintos (half pints of ale that I, ironically, imbibe at more than twice the rate of the standard issue pint). Flash, a natural contrarian, drank Pimm?s Cups.

Why is it that, in the absence of a mate, much of my male brethren and I devolve into lower primates? I?ll leave that to the evolutionary psychologists. It affirms nothing of my sense of ?maleness? to live like a shaved ape. In fact, it?s contrary to every concept of myself I?ve heretofore devised.? Please note the necktie. Yet, the moment my wife is out the door, I?m on the boat straight to Monkey Island.

As natty a monkey as I may be, my impulse control in these moments is, of course, nil, which makes me especially susceptible to binges, be they pintos or, just as likely, movie marathons. No one needs to revisit (all of ) John Hughes? films from the 80s in a single night?s viewing, but it?s been known to happen in my house, late at night. And it?s wrong. Wrong like James Spader in ?Pretty in Pink? wrong and I?m man (or monkey?) enough to admit it.

So, after sending a brick of red envelopes back to Netflix and rebuilding my abode, I decided to clean up, finally shave and begin working off the burritos on which I had been subsisting, all within in the two hours I had before leaving for the airport to pick up my wife. I returned to the gym and contritely mounted what I have come to refer to as the ?dreadmill.? That my gym currently has two out of commission has been a point of some consternation for me seeing as, like theater seats, I prefer at least one between me and the strangers in my midst ? for their sake ? my social anxiety tends to make me chatty: ?The palpable angst in this gym reminds me of that scene in the ?Breakfast Club,? you know, like when Judd Nelson threw the lunchmeat on the statue. Don?t you agree??

While huffing, puffing and generally ruing the fistful of cigarettes I had bummed earlier in the week, I caught sight of myself in the mirror, hunched, my wrists resting on the treadmill handrails. I realized that I looked like those illustrated depictions of ape evolving into man, except that I was about two iterations shy of walking upright. Indeed, I realized, there?s more to being a man than the pose.

Mwahahaha! When Dictionaries Go Bad

Mwahahaha!The Oxford Dictionaries Online have put the Lex (Luthor!) into lexicography with the inclusion of the word ?Mwahahaha,? reports Jason Boog in the GalleyCat. The lexicographers tracked the campy exclamation to 80s comic culture and reminds that it?s ?used to represent laughter, especially manic or cackling laughter such as that uttered by a villainous character in a cartoon or comic strip.? The terms has enjoyed an uptick in usage in recent years in texts and tweets by teens and twenty-somethings who are evil too. Continue reading “Mwahahaha! When Dictionaries Go Bad”

Sonoma is Bigger than Jesus

It was 46 years ago today (or August 11, actually) that John Lennon taught the band to blaspheme – at least in a manner of speaking. The outspoken Beatle courted controversy when he opined to a British journalist that The Beatles were “bigger than Jesus.” The quote, divorced from its context, resulted in the Fab Four’s first major PR fiasco. It’s also a useful benchmark when assessing the popularity of the Son of God. Besides, it’s sort of fun drawing those little “greater than” and “less than” symbols that look like alligator profiles (hey, I went to public school, so that’s what I have to work with, alright?).

In honor of Lennon and the fine folks in my favorite spot of wine country – I’m going to say it: Sonoma is bigger than Jesus. Now, before you go and light your torches and storm the paper, like some peasant posse fresh from ye olde witch burn, take a minute and think about it. Take two minutes – it’s a big thought. Okay, now light your torches. Because Sonoma is bigger than Jesus. Continue reading “Sonoma is Bigger than Jesus”

DEVO Releases Pro-Dog, Anti-Romney Track

Anti-Romney Tune by DEVOGerald Casale, a founding member of the American New Wave legends DEVO, has announced the upcoming release of the band?s new single, ?Don?t Roof Rack Me, Bro! (Seamus Unleashed).? The track satirizes presidential wannabe?Mitt Romney?s infamous 80s road-trip wherein his Irish setter Seamus sprayed liquid feces over the windshield of the family car while strapped atop in a custom-built crate.

The dog incident reads like a scene cut from National Lampoon?s?Vacation?and has come to be known, predictably, as Crate-Gate.? That the scandal borrows its well-worn suffix from Watergate is just the beginning of a melange of cultural references encircling this project like a snake eating its own tail. Continue reading “DEVO Releases Pro-Dog, Anti-Romney Track”

What Writers Wear

Get this shirt on Zazzle!As writer, knowing how to dress is nearly as important as knowing how to spell. In this era of social media marketing and personal-branding affecting a credible look has taken on increased importance. These days, writers are as likely to be judged by their profile images as their words, however, few receive positive comment on their sartorial prowess and those that do fail to recognize the sarcasm. Here are some tricks:

Dress to Depress

Wear black ? once a defense against ink stains (and wine, for that matter), it also evokes clich?s of coffee houses and berets, which are useful cultural shorthand for ?You don?t want to talk to me.? No one takes up writing to improve their social life, so let your clothes do the talking and get back to work. Continue reading “What Writers Wear”