The Daily Planet laid me off today. My editor Perry sauntered over to my cube, dropped his bristly knuckles on my desk and said, ?Clark, can I have a word?? Normally, this would be followed by a refresher on our sexual harassment policy and a certain ?Little Lady? at the city desk. See how I did that? That’s my code for Lois Lane. I gotta million of them. Like ?Jerk Off? for Jimmy Olsen, who tried to say something witty about me being canned that came out totally creepy instead.
?What goes up must go down, Kent!? What the hell does that mean? Who the hell does he think he is ? Sir Isaac Newton? Jimmy better be careful or I?ll up, up and away his ass from the darkroom to a hospital room. Oh, that’s right, now that everything’s gone ?digital? we don’t even have a darkroom, we process photos in the ?cloud.? Ever see a cloud up close? It’s just mist, people. I don’t get it and I don’t care. Jimmy sucks. Lois has to write his cutlines because he can’t read.
Perry says, ?Times have changed Clark, you’re too old school.? Sure, I’m not hip to this whole ?digital thang.? That’s why I write for a newsPAPER and not a NewsTabletThingamajig. In my day, ?Digital? was for alarm clocks and tablets were for commandments. But apparently the ?new model? is ?hyper-local multi-platform digital content.?
OK, you know what that sounds like? Sounds like Lex Luthor’s next doomsday device. So, yeah, good luck with that. I?ll be sure to call my caped crusader pal when you guys are all slaves. Unless me and the Man of Steel are too busy keeping up the Fourth Estate and putting back a nice, frosty mug of Freedom of Speech while kickin? it at the Fortress of Solitude (which I hear is a pretty sweet crib, ladies).
See, I’m a born newspaperman. I delivered the Smallville Ledger as a kid until I knocked down that garage with the Sunday edition. And I’m a solid reporter ? literally ? and I can see through a boondoggle as if I have X-ray vision (I don’t personally have X-ray vision but I know a guy who does and let me tell you, if I could go back in time, I?d invest in Spanx ? just say?n).
Instead of sulking and getting unemployment checks, which I can’t anyway on account of my iffy immigration status (there, I said it, I’m an illegal alien, call Immigration!), I’m taking matters into my own hands. The Daily Planet may think they can replace a veteran beat reporter like me with an intern blogger from a community college but I’m beating them at their own game. How do you like my blog so far? Not bad for being ?old school,? eh? It may not pay my student loans but it?ll be payback. Just wait ?til I get a Twitter.
And by the way, Jimmy, who cares if Lex already has a 378 followers? He hasn’t tweeted since May ?09. Either Twitter is dead or Lex Luthor, and if that was the case I would have heard about it.
Like, instantly. Because I totally would have been there (you know, in spirit).
Blogging is hard. Maybe I?ll just write a novel. A roman a clef about a certain underappreciated reporter and the little lady who couldn’t see through a pair of hornrims and realize that there was a super guy looking back at her. Just goes to show you can’t have it all. Truth, justice and the American way. Pick two. But hands off the one in the middle. That one’s mine.
See how I did that? Now, that’s old school newspaper writing. Or blogging. Or whatever. Justice: I’m going to save the word one world at a time, or my name isn’t Clark Kent.