Dear God, Supreme Being, Creator of All Things and Absentee Landlord –
Hope all is well up north. Down in hell, thanks to the super-frosty weather you’ve unleashed upon your dominion, everything here has arrived in the proverbial hand basket.
What’s with the cold snap, Daddio? Thought you should know the pipes burst last night, water flooded everywhere and now the Inferno looks like an ice rink. Yep, hell froze over.
Hell should be a place of fire and brimstone, not a winter wonderland. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. I’ve got Nazis making snowmen. I don’t believe this was part of the plan.
Obviously, this icy turn of affairs has more implications for you than for me since it’s your precious mortals who operate within the contractual clause, “When hell freezes over.” Good luck with that. I’m sure you’re already getting calls from would-be lottery winners and pubescent boys who now think they’re owed dates with supermodels.
So, what’s next, flying pigs? Besides the air-traffic congestion, have you considered the terminal velocity of airborne pig droppings? No, you haven’t, and don’t go changing history to say you did because I’m onto you. Like I’ve always said, you should never have moved forward with this whole probabilistic universe thing. Now, anything can happen and you know why? Science. Is that word even in your book? No. See what’s happening since you let the heat turn off? Your whole program is falling apart and now I’ve Robespierre passing out snow cones. Albeit they’re yellow snow cones (still got it, Robes!) but icy cold treats nonetheless. Icy cold treats in hell. Think about that a moment, would ya?
Whatever happened to global warming, by the way? Got bored and decided to go with another Ice Age? I’ve seen those movies and they suck. You know what sucks more? Figure skating on the Lake of Fire. I look out over what was once my wasteland of lost souls and instead I see Atilla the Hun making snow angels with Hitler. It’s wrong, man. So wrong. If it gets any colder, we’re going to need FEMA trailers down here. Wait, never mind, those are actually worse than hell. Can you just turn the heat back on?
So, did you hear that scientists are trying to bring back the wooly mammoth? Apparently they found some viable genes in the Siberian permafrost, which is like a mass mammoth graveyard (but you knew that, having smote them in the first place). Is this part of your climate change plan? Are you making it so damn cold to create a viable habitat for the blessed wooly mammoth? You know what’s going to happen, right? The same thing as last time – the mortals are going to kill them and wear their fur. This entire exercise is like Jurassic Park, but with a reason for PETA to get upset. Please note, if you keep this ridiculous freeze on, I too will soon be acquiring my own Snuffaluffagus coat. I don’t care if that takes me right off your Christmas list either. I’ve been a bad boy. Tell Santa to send me a lump of coal, we could use it down here.
Your pal, Satan.