New Year’s Resolutions for Sonomans

You say you want a resolution well-el, you know? We?re all trying to change the world ? one broken New Year?s resolution at a time.

According to the UK?s Mirror, the top five New Year?s resolutions among Brits track with those of Americans (lose weight, quit smoking, spend less) apart from ?eat better food.? I?m not sure how they?re going to accomplish this feat since English food is like English weather ? grey. That said, given America?s obesity epidemic, our definition of ?good food? is probably about as expansive as our waistlines. In this country, ?good? might mean ?Choco-Taco,? which is really just another way of saying, ?I give up.?

In Sonoma, of course, our culinary pursuits generally reach for a higher bar. Or sometimes just the bar. This is why I felt it necessary to conduct an informal poll with friends and colleagues about their resolutions. Simply put, things are different here. Many outside our borders assume we?re an island nation surrounded by a sea of wine. Someday we might be ? we?re one industrial accident away from having our streets run red with zinfandel like some oenophile?s wet dream of Venice. I can already hear the gondoliers singing ?Sul mare luccica? whilst paddling to the Plaza. Until zin levels rise (we?ll call it ?Global Wining?), however, we should focus on improving ourselves and what it means to be a Sonoman.

Accordingly, here are three Sonoman New Year?s Resolutions:

New Year’s Resolution #1: Quit smoking e-cigarettes

…At least in public. Taking furtive tugs off a pen-shaped nicotine delivery device makes you look like the heavy in some 80s, sci-fi, Philip K. Dick adaptation. You instantly look like a dodgy dealer of mnemonic implants or something, which is almost acceptable until you sneak a drag from your oral fixation tube in a movie theater and it lights up the backrow every time you suck on it. Add your blinking bluetooth headset and you look like a low-rent, one-man disco. If you had a siren, I wouldn?t be sure if I was supposed to punch you in the face or pull my car over to the side of the road.

New Year’s Resolution #?2: Stop getting DUIs.

I once wrote the police blotter for a local paper and never, ever, had enough space to print all of the ?driving under the influence? busts. The phonebook people once called me and asked for my notes since I had the most frequently updated list of Sonomans. Here are your options: Call Vern?s Taxi, convince a local BMX-riding speedfreak to run a rickshaw biz between deliveries, or stand on the sidewalk and ask people for the time like Gena Rowlands in A Woman Under the Influence. Of the three choices, the third will take the longest but will result in the most interesting ride home. If the dude has a glass eye, all the better.

New Year’s Resolution #3:?Get organized.

This resolution proved divisive with the Sonomans I polled. The lefty, pro-union West-siders naturally assumed it pertained to organizing labor into a single, representative entity to aid their plight against heartless corporations. Those from the East-side, who own shares in those corporations, thought it referred to their walk-in closets. Chaos ensued until the bill came and an East-sider paid it, which the West-siders pretended to ignore. Technically, I?m a Petaluman, a town that?s also divided into East and West though the cultural polarities are reversed, so I kept my mouth shut. Until the Choco-Tacos arrived. They were bittersweet.


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