Every Woody Allen Stammer From Every Woody Allen Movie E-E-Ever

Perhaps they’re secretly on the the National Stuttering Association’s payroll. Maybe they’re competing with this scintillating video from the British Stammering Association National Conference 2011. Or could it be that editors Ben Craw and Oliver Noble have a shared obsession for verbal disfluencies that found its apotheosis in their 44 minute supercut of “every Woody Allen stammer ever from every Woody Allen movie ever”…?   Actually, these guys are staffers at HuffPo, which goes to show there’s entirely too much money dripping down from A-A-A-AOL. But as Woody might say, “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

Sonoma Surveillance

I always feel like somebody's watching me.
I always feel like somebody's watching me.

One advantage of living in the Age of Information is that even Joe Sonoma has access to the kind of spy-fi gadgetry that would have made early incarnations of James Bond feel woefully inadequate.

Add to the fact that we live in an incredibly small town where one is as apt to spill as much gossip as wine (though the former usually precedes the latter), and suddenly any secret ever uttered is everyone else’s business. And backed with online evidence to boot. Aiding and abetting this social espionage are more than a few social networking sites that serve as online analogues to our quotidian experience. Though reading that Joe Sonoma “needs coffee” isn’t nearly as interesting as evaluating the current attractiveness of one’s exes, chances are you might actually see Joe Sonoma at EDK within an hour. Witnessing one’s online-foreknowledge of an event played out in reality is somehow gratifying (and, if Joe Sonoma is your ex, it’s probably time for a visit to the clinic).

Since I live my life like an open book, or at least an open broadsheet, I’ve been called out on most of my misdoings (especially the public gaffs, as when I riffed on the remaining life-expectancy of those at a planning commission meeting regarding a certain venue for live music and was roundly chided – and dare I say forgiven – by dear and lovely Cheryl, to whose enduring health and longevity I heartily toast). When I’m not being reproached in public (deservedly or otherwise) there are plenty of online forums, such as the Index-Tribune’s sonomanews.com, where my readers can stalk me and express misgivings about my work, which then become public record for all to enjoy. Forever.

A fellow recently posted the suggestion that I temper my use of the first-person in a comment appended to one of my columns, ignoring the fact that my gig is to write first-person observational humor.

I replied to the dude by posting a Woody Allen quote from “Stardust Memories”:

During a Q&A an audience member avers, “A lot of people have accused you of being narcissistic.” Woody replies, “I know people think that I’m egotistical and narcissistic, but it’s not true. If I did identify with a Greek mythological character, it would not be Narcissus.” The audience member persists “Who would it be?” and Woody deadpans “Zeus.”

The guy didn’t dig it. Of course, if I were to shirk the first-person and go for the alternative, referring to myself in the third-person, I think he’d be further nonplussed.

Oddly, however, that’s precisely how Facebook asks us to frame our responses to its ubiquitous query, “What’s on your mind?” Our responses are preceded with our login names, to wit, if one wants to maintain any pretense of grammar, one must post one’s updates in the third person. To wit, “Daedalus Howell is mulling the preceding 480 words of his column.” What’s on your mind?

These days, I seldom go anywhere in Sonoma without first tapping into the eye-in-the-sky made available by Google Maps.

The “street view” option takes the virtual visit to near perfection. You can put in your pals’ addresses and chide them on their gardening skills (the rosemary is looking a little unruly, Kathleen) without having to leave your desk. If Bond had Google Maps with street view, he’d avoid many an island fortress of doom. I personally enjoy clicking my browser around the Plaza, beginning with a right turn from Broadway and preceding with left turns until – and this is where the real thrill occurs – the traffic sign reads “Right turn only” from First Street West onto West Napa Street – and I click left (insert diabolical laughter here). Yes, I’m merely “virtual villain.” But I still expect you to die, Mr. Bond.

Joe Mantegna Says It’s So

Joe says its so.
Joe says it's so.

A critically-lauded and much beloved veteran of stage and screen, the devilishly dapper Joe Mantegna has worked with such luminaries as David Mamet, Woody Alley and Francis Ford Coppola. His film Elvis and Anadelle plays the 11th Annual Sonoma Valley Film Festival this April.

DH: Last issue, I interviewed Olivia Newton-John and while I was doing my research I learned that you were in – then out – of “Xanadu.”

JM: That was my very first job in Hollywood.

DH: That’s crazy, man.

JM: Yeah, I was like “Guy Number Five.” I had three lines, but like you say, I got cut out of the movie.

DH: In the end, I think the karmic balance has worked in your favor because now, it seems, you’re in everything.

JM: Things work out how they work out.

DH: If someone were to get a tattoo of your Internet Movie Database listing on their body they would run out of skin.

JM: Well, I’m not the youngest guy in the neighborhood either.  I’ve been at it a while.

DH: I suspected and then finally confirmed that you’re the voice of Fat Tony in “The Simpsons.”

JM: That’s my longest running role. I’ve been doing that for 17 years now.

DH: Speaking of voice work, you’ve also done books-on-tape as well.

JM: I’ve done a few of those.

DH: Sounds like the diagnoses of a workaholic.

JM: I’ve always thought of acting as a blue-collar job. My father worked 50 weeks out of the year, why shouldn’t an actor? If you’re given the opportunity and as long as there’s things you like to do. There are always periods of inactivity. It makes up for the times when you’re an actor struggling and you wish you had a job.

DH: This is the time to come to wine country – perfect timing too, you’re film Elvis and Annadelle is playing the Sonoma Valley Film Festival.

JM: I’m hoping to make it up there.

DH: Now, you’ve got about half a dozen films in the can or currently in production at present, which is a staggering amount of work. You’ve played all kinds of roles, but there are certain types that seem to gravitate toward you – tough guys, various shades of Mafioso, then on the other side of spectrum you’ve done a lot of romantic leads where everyone in the world falls in love with you.

JM: I’ve always thought of myself as a character actor. I’ve come from the theater and that’s kind of what I always did. I’ve done a variety of different things, even musical comedy at the beginning of my career. There was never any intent on my part to steer things one way or the other. I’ve always believed you play the cards you’re dealt. My career has taken directions and turns based on different things. David Mamet took me in one direction and Woody Allen kind of took me in another direction. It’s hard to say, but I can tell you there wasn’t a lot of forethought or intention involved…I’ve been lucky that way. I’ve had the opportunity to do a lot of things and I enjoy doing them.

DH: But if you weren’t acting what would you be doing?

JM: My other job, before things started to go well for me, was as a photographer. I did headshots. A good friend of mine was a very successful photographer so he taught me all the basics so I could take a pretty good head shot. I knew I would make a really bad waiter, so photography was it. I did pretty well.

DH: And 15 years later you’re in The Godfather III. That was fast.

JM: Well, it was like a 15-year overnight success, though. I had kind of been banging around. What did it for me was performing in Glengary Glen Ross on Broadway. That was the catalyst. I was basically a nobody, but the show won a Pulitzer Prize, I won a Tony Award and it became one of those monumental career things that sends you into the stratosphere. Not only did the show do as well as it did, I was also able to do the show on Broadway for a year – so everybody in the business saw it, which really helped.

DH: Sort of like auditioning in abstentia.

JM: I couldn’t have written a better scenario for myself. When I finished with the play there was a lot of opportunity out there. What happened is that I ended up working with Woody Allen once, then I worked with Woody Allen twice. I worked with Barry Levinson once, then I’d  end up working with him again.

DH: What about Coppola, you think that will happen again?

JM: Well, I hope, but he’s getting into his own kind of things, which is great.  Even if Coppola were bad, he’s still better than most guys. I think he’s just great. I love him to death. Besides the Godfather III, I did a thing he produced called Wait Until Spring, Bandini, which is a John Fante book they made into a movie. Francis is always going to go his own way. I attended a retrospective of the Godfather movies last year and I saw him then. I’m just so fortunate to have worked with him.

DH: Any role you haven’t played that you want to?

JM: To tell you the truth, I’m not one of those actors that has a wish list. Part of the excitement of being in this business is not knowing when I may get that phone call that sends me on a whole new adventure. I didn’t know I was going to play Dean Martin, but I did and I loved it. Same thing with everything I’ve done. I know some guys will work at developing stuff for themselves or aspire to play some great Shakespearean role, but I’ve been very lucky to get things that have interested me and worked out well.

DH: And you haven’t calcified into a single persona. Yet, you have stature and are certainly a movie star with a capital “M,” but you’re not a caricature of a role you once played.

JM: I try not to. I’ll mix it up and I don’t care what venue it is or what level it is. I’ve been number one on the call sheet, number 10 on the call sheet and number 100 on the call sheet. It just depends on if there’s a project that I’m interested in and I’m free. Part of it is that I’ve never had a publicist – not that I don’t believe in publicity – it’s just that I’m not a big fan of having somebody out there trying to guide or conduct my life or career. My feeling is that things are going to occur as they’re supposed to. When I’m doing a project it creates its own kind of thing anyway. Every studio or network has its own publicity department – they generate enough that I don’t have to go looking for it. I think it helps you fly under the radar a little bit – people leave you alone at least in terms of the press.

DH:  Funny about that… [laughs]