The Horror

Fallen star.Method-man Marlon Brando once remarked, “I don’t want to spread the peanut butter of my personality on the moldy bread of the commercial press.” Following his death from lung failure at age 80 last week, Brando has been slathered, smeared and generally spread thin throughout the press, commercial and otherwise. Those responsible include everyone from celebrities simpering impromptu eulogies into E! Entertainment microphones to President George W. Bush unoriginally declaiming “With the passing of Marlon Brando, America has lost a great actor of the stage and screen.”

This reporter submits seminal Los Angeles punk act The Dickies’ “Stuck In a Condo With Marlon Brando” as a contender for a truly plus-size tribute to the wild one. The track, penned by members Leonard Graves Phillips and Stan Lee, was featured on the band’s 1995 release “Idjit Savant” and highlights key moments in the actor’s professional and personal life.

In a sly reference to “Last Tango in Paris,” the song opens with “I’m stuck inside a condo with Mr. Marlon Brando / He tells me, Get the butter, sounds just like my mother…” Later, detailing Brando’s myriad family foibles, the lyric continues “He wasn’t nice to Connie / His son, he shot somebody /For messin’ with his daughter / Just like the Godfather…”

As for Brando’s celebrated girth, the band observes “Well, I saw him in a movie / He used to be so groovy / Now he’s eating mashed potatoes /He’s a human Winnebago…”

This is topped by guitarist Lee’s agile vamp of The Godfather Waltz melody as a solo. The horror.

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