Your intrepid reporter submits the following dispatch from Nomaville, but makes no claim for its accuracy, veracity or agenda. – DH
The three witches of Shakespeare’s MacBeth have gotten back together and are currently on tour. The wicked sisters, known for their prophecy that the Scottish play’s titular character would get his comeuppance, have reunited and are appearing in clubs across the highlands as well as a planned foray to the West Coast and a fundraiser in Sonoma. It’s been noted that the sisters aren’t officially booked in the clubs in which they have appeared, but rather are simply APPEARING at will. This, observers suggest, is due to the fact that they are WITCHES. Club owners are upset about the guerilla tour but local authorities can do little against the sisters’ evil ways. However, their goth rendition of Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” is a smash with audiences as are their dinner theater interpretations of Chekhov’s “Three Sisters,” served with eye of newt and wing of bat.
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The World Calendar Congress, the legislative body that annually sets the days of the week, convened at a local hotel last week and announced that they hope to elongate the weekend by adding an additional day between Saturday and Sunday. The new day, currently dubbed Madidusday from the Latin word madidus, meaning “drunk,” is intended to aid weekend revelers in recovering from their partying. Also, because “Sundays suck.” So far, the only protest has come from people who have invested in perpetual calendars and people who work on weekends…
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Physicists at the nearby Brink-Horst Institute have discovered girls. A group of seven male researchers noticed that whenever members of the opposite sex passed by their laboratory, work ceased and many broke out in cold sweats and uncontrollable blushing, while others were unable to put a sentence together more complicated than “me like.” After studying the phenomenon for six months, the researchers were able to deduce that women were not only causing the distraction, but that the physicists liked being distracted. Dr. Jason Marr nominated himself a human guinea pig and attempted to engage a woman in conversation from an adjoining lab. His experiment, he said, led to a light lunch of spring rolls and vegetarian chow mein, followed by a stroll through a park with Dr. Veronica Lanning. A later experiment was more expeditious and included Dr. Lanning’s bedroom and breakfast at Hathaway’s on 15th Avenue. Dr. Marr claimed his findings were inconclusive and he hopes to conduct more experiments with Dr. Lanning, who, he says, “Definitely expanded my universe.”
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X , the 24th letter of the English alphabet is being moved to the 26th spot currently occupied by Z, according to The Sonoma Alphabetic Institute. The move comes after decades of petitioning by the Organization for Making X Last. A rival group, the Society for Z Being 24, itself was petitioning to have “Z mark the spot.” A riot nearly broke out on the steps of the Sonoma Alphabetic Institute until it was pointed out that the rival groups were fighting for the same thing. The letters’ positions were reversed. That is until everyone else in the English-speaking world decided it was stupid and put them back.
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A local geologist might have inadvertently put an end to the turn of phrase “older than dirt.” It turns out that dirt isn’t actually that old. It’s about 30, says Glen Ellen geologist Thorne Jameson. “The geologic compound known as ‘earth’ is certainly older than dirt but by strictest definitions not dirt,” opined Thorne. “One doesn’t track earth into the house, for example.” Since the revelation that dirt is only 30, much has been said about how badly it has aged. Jameson attributes this to global warming and late nights drinking and smoking. From now on, Thorne suggests saying something is “older than earth” when in need of an age-themed hyperbole
