Daedalus Howell (1972-2018). Writer, raconteur and inveterate bore Daedalus Howell met an untimely end last night. The professional snark known mostly (if it all) for his saucy invectives published in alternative news weeklies of the sort used to blot spilled coffee on cafe counters, hastened his expiration by his own hand, thereby encircling his sex life and death in a perfect ring of shame. Howell is survived by the rats in the walls of his garret and the mountain of debt of both the financial and karmic varieties. In death, he joins a career he killed five years prior. A memorial will be conducted at the G Street dock, where a garbage can will be lit in his honor. Donations can be sent to Lumaville Refuse Disposal, which now manages Howell’s literary estate.

— From Quantum Deadline, Chapter 24, “Fauxbituary” by Daedalus Howell.